I know…it’s been a long time since
I’ve posted anything written. I
meant to get this out shortly after leaving COSM, but the gravity in ending the
tour and the road home was a dramatic fall into mental entropy. A more in depth blog on that journey
will…should be posted at a later time.
And now…COSM!
The Arrival
It could’ve been labeled a day like
any other. I’m sure for many it
was, but for me, there was nothing usual about this seemingly typical day. It was the final day of riding on the
RISE bicycle tour…it was the Day that we arrive at The Chapel of Sacred
Mirrors…It was journeys end. Like
that first day of tour seven months earlier, the morning was charged with a
palpable energy. Still, the
setting was very different. We had
a bright and sunny day hanging over our heads. The air was cool with a subtly warm overtone. No rain or wind to slow us down. The weight of the road ahead was now
nothing more than a memory of those who lead our way to this moment…our final
push. Thirteen months of
preparation and seven months of a nomadic life had lead to this last day.
Though Zak and I have travelled
this path on our bicycles alone, we were never truly by ourselves. This day was no different. Driving all the way from Piscataway, NJ
was Officer Crisafulli & Detective Ritter, who would escort us for the
final 50 miles of our 7,000 mile journey.
We have Stephanie Samuels, our New Jersey mother (and therapist) to
thank for this support. We set off
from Sparkill, NY where we spent a few days with Kit Lucas, one of the first
survivors of suicide to write a book on the subject. Crisafulli & Ritter followed behind as Zak and I took
turns riding and driving the support vehicle. Once we were 15 miles out, Det. Ritter took over driving the
truck so that Zak and I could end side by side.
As we arrived at the front end of
the property we took time to take pictures at the entrance sign of COSM. Once we finished, Crisafulli &
Ritter headed up the hill giving us those final 200 yards to ourselves. Zak allowed me to set the tone, which
was even slower than my standard turtle pace. As we approached, Standing at the last bend was Stephanie’s
two daughters waving signs. Once
we passed them, I saw two people at a distance I couldn’t place. Probably due to the sad truth that I
need glasses. Closer I realized it
was my Uncle Roger and Aunt Dorothy from Hornell, NY. The first words that popped out of my mouth…”What the Fuck?” I was glad to see them, but how are
they here.
Reaching the end atop the hill on
the property of COSM, I scanned the small group of folk who massed: Stephanie and her family, Officer
Crisafulli & Detective Ritter, Zak’s fiancée Brandalyn (Another what the
fuck moment in my mind), Sharon the hospitality manager of COSM, and my mother
(a monumental Holy Fuck moment).
Now Sharon has a beautiful interpretation as a witness of this entire
moment, all I have is a feeling.
I’ll do my best to describe.
The best way to poetically express
how I reacted to seeing my mother, simply put…I lost my shit. I went from an exhausted excitement to
utter surprise and emotional breakdown.
A month earlier, my mother was in the hospital for an exploratory
surgery due to health complications.
It was three weeks before she was strong enough to leave the house. My father was so distraught that I had
to send my friend Shawn to get clearer information for me. My biggest fear since Marc has died has
been the frightening realization that I will have to burry my parents without
my big brother. Seeing my Mother
knowing she had only been on her feet for a week, released a lot of that fear I
had held for the last month of tour.
Combine that with the intensity of journey’s end, could you blame me for
crying like a schoolgirl who just skinned her knee? Ok, don’t answer that.
Why COSM
Many people ask how we connect
suicide to the healing power of artistic expression. Furthermore, why COSM as journey’s end? Stuffing concepts & philosophies
into a neat little packaged box isn’t a rarity. Art isn’t an acceptation to this culturally oppressive
rule. Most often, when someone
thinks of art, their mind pictures a photograph, painting, poetry, music,
etc. Why stop there, I don’t. To confine a concept or philosophy in a
box of rules is yet another desperate attempt of humanity to control. To control is to segregate and limit
infinite potential on any said concept or philosophy, creating a limitation on Art
and expression is not only unnecessary, it is profane. The human experience is an ever
transforming and evolving masterpiece of art.
Our lives are art in constant
process. We have the ability to
create a life that suites our heart and soul. While we do lack, for the most part, the control of what
comes at us…we do hold the power to control how we react to any given
situation. I’ve heard all
too often, “How does art help me?
I’m not creative.” Maybe
you aren’t a photographer or a painter, but you can at the very least make a
decision about what life you want to live. Can’t you?
If your life was a canvas, then your choices and decisions are your
pallet of colors to play with.
It’s actually surprising that this concept is new, foreign, or vacant
from ones daily thought process.
I can’t take full responsibility of
this philosophy; all I can do is take responsibility for my interpretation and
expressive action of said philosophy.
The primary influence of this concept has been Alex Grey and the work he
is doing with his wife Allyson at The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors (COSM). The day After Christmas in 2007, I
discovered Alex’s book, “The Mission of Art”. The moment I purchased this book, I was completely unaware
of its purpose & power or how it would play in the equation of influence
for my worldview and action. In
this book, Alex talks about the great potential of artistic expression as a
vehicle to making a better world.
He explains how art is an aspect of the divine that we all hold within
us. After time and effort, every
person can cultivate that infinite power.
My brother’s death transformed my
world in a dramatic way, and for a time, I was on a path that only leads to
catastrophe. Alex’s philosophy,
among a few others was the inspiration that shined a light onto the road I now
walk. I couldn’t stop my brother’s
suicide, but I do have the power to allow it to influence me for whatever
purpose I choose. At the very
beginning, with the conception of RISE, COSM was the obvious choice for an
ending to the tour.
The Experience
It’s safe to say, that outside of
Alex, his art, and philosophy, I had no idea what to expect from COSM. I have to admit, I didn’t do my homework
on everything that was being done.
It didn’t matter much.
There was no need to be a blatant fanboy about it all. COSM as an ending point was more about
the symbolism of transcendence via creativity. As I travelled the country, I began to see visions of a
place where people could gather in community. A property that is self sustained, where artists can create
openly, where the wounded can find tools to heal themselves and others. In many ways, COSM has been a
reflection to this vision. Or at least a starting point.
On the day of our arrival, the visionary
permaculture class was ending its week long summer session. Lead by Delvin Solkinson, the Grey’s
are working on making the land which COSM rests on much more sustainable for
energy and food production. The
obviousness of this practice is to illicit more freedom by being a bit more self-reliant. This is essential in any community or
individual harvesting a lifestyle that is more conducive for self sovereignty.
COSM’s hospitality manager, Sharon
Stelluto gave Zak and I a quick tour of the house once our family left…allowing
us to settle in. The house, which
is where guests, volunteers, and staff live, is also the primary site for most
of the COSM events. The building is
a brilliant three story Victorian house.
The main hall acts as a gallery, library, and event venue. The old renovated home is saturated
with faint smell of the forest outside and the wood that is its skin. The floor creaked and cracked with
every step, always announcing ones arrival with a loud declaration.
I had a long conversation with
Sharon once we had arrived to Manhattan, about a week before our arrival to
COSM. We wanted to go over the
final day of our tour and the expectations of our visit. One of the stipulations was to donate
our time at the community with chore duty for a few free nights stay. Sweeping floors, hauling chairs, and
cleaning bathrooms was the least I could do for food and many a good nights
rest at journey’s end. Besides, I
met some amazing & interesting individuals while contributing to the
community, which would continue well into the Full Moon Ceremony on the evening
of September 29th.
Before the Full Moon Ceremony, I
had the pleasure of sitting in on a workshop with a shaman, Rafael Bejarano, a
multi-cultural ritualist, musician, artist & cultural educator. Rafael was masterful at simplifying
EVERYTHING, and doing so with savvy sense of humor. The man electrified me when he spoke. Not that his concepts were anything
new. As it were, I only heard the
whisper of my thoughts repeated back to me. I can’t speak for anyone else in how they experienced
Rafael, but it felt as if every word he uttered was transcript of my mind. The workshop with Rafael was
profound to say the least, he offered an even greater gift to me: during his musical performance of his
teachings, he blessed the remaining ashes of my brother. He placed them at the center of his
alter and played his didgeridoo over them.
With two hundred people crammed
into the main hall, the full moon ceremony began with Alex & Allyson giving
a sermon about the spiritual path that is creative expression. They handed it over to Rafael, who
played more from his hand crafted flutes and didgeridoo. Many Other amazing acts followed
which entertained, informed, and mesmerized the guests in this fantastic
event: readings from a book about
synchronicity to updates on the permaculture class at COSM. The crowd was
blessed with music from folk singers, singing bowl meditation, and participating
in an om session that shook the walls.
RISE was given the last guest spot
and ten minutes to speak with the crowd about our seven month journey. Zak and I didn’t do a pregame talk
about how we were gonna flow. He
arrived with his fiancé and I was still running around helping set up. It didn’t help that we sat on opposites
sides of the room either. The
seven months of speaking engagements was felt. We shared our stories effortlessly and surprisingly were
able to condense our travels to the time allowed and still resonated with
crowed. Once the ceremony was
finished, Zak headed out to spend extra time with his beloved fiancés, and I
stayed back to mingle and partake in the rest of the full moon festivities. The evening ended with those remaining
meeting in the dinning hall, joining hands, and howling at the moon. The Tour had come to an end.
Looking Back
You
ever seen the television show LOST?
That’s how I usually start out the conversation when attempting to
explain COSM. If a person’s reply
to my question is no, I give a sigh (which mean I whisper “fuck” in my mind)
and I give the best generic description I can muster. For those of you that would answer “Yes”, allow my simple
but to the point description: COSM
is the Island. While there isn’t a
smoke monster that acts as sentry to the perimeter of the property, there is a
benevolent force. Though I never
heard stories of a man that was miraculously able to walk after years of being
confined to a wheelchair, there is a magic that flows through the land.
There
is so much that seems to draw a wide and eclectic range of people to the
property. Most of the time it is
the Greys and their philosophy, which is the mission of COSM. Others, without knowing it, could be
drawn by the land itself; and the Greys being the simple tool to do this. The second thought is a bit of a cute
and abstract romanticized idea, but what else would expect. As long as you’re not one of the
worshiping fans, with a moderate grip on reality (which I feel I am), there is
a gravitational pull that makes it hard to leave. (For those of you who know my real story for not wanting to
leave…that blogs coming soon.)
As
much love as I have for the community, property, and mission of COSM, I am not
blind to its dramatic and obvious dysfunction. The community is still operated by human beings, and as we
all know, humans are fallible and egocentric creatures. I’m not going to go into all those
details, it’s not my place, nor is it the time and format for such an ego
driven critique. In order to
have true love for someone, place, or thing…you’ve gotta love its faults
too.
Like the Island, it exudes a mysterious sense of refuge to so many who
seek community. Many who are
marginalized outsiders find a sanctuary for much needed respite. It feels like home to so many outcast,
that many people forget there is an “hours of operation”. You don’t have to go home, but you
can’t stay here. Being able to
walk the grounds and lend my own two hands for the community has given me
further articulation of what our contemporary society may be lacking. COSM isn’t the answer, it has it’s own
mission, but it is a beautiful place filled with potential, hope, and
promise. For me…at the heart, it
was an introduction.
On our final day, before we left, I had one last mission. As I had done along the 7,000 mile journey, I needed to spread my Marc's ashes on the grounds. The location I chose was the future site for the actual building, The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors. The sculpture that holds space for the Chapel is called "Altered States". Marc and the RISE tour are forever a part of the ground known as COSM.
To Learn more about Kate Raudenbusch, The artist behind "Altered States" visit her website
To learn more about Rafael or Cosm, visit the links below.
It seem so cliché to attach a TooL song to this blog. Then again, how could I not?
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