It's Time...

          The Last several months have been a constant morphic playground.  My perception of reality and how I walk through it is constantly fluctuating.  I’ve had a hard time grounding myself.  Its as if I have been spinning…out of control and with no barring of the horizon point.  Over come by fear and desperate for equilibrium, I lose more of a sense of a center.  My muscles tense up as I flail, pathetically gripping for control.

            What the hell am I doing here? Where am I suppose go now and how in the hell do I get there?  They are just a few of the many questions that invade my piece of mind.  A shift has been rising within me, with emotions that were so intense I’ve had no choice but to unravel.  Everything is crumbling around me, or so my ego perceives. The desperation leaves me with a bitterness that is unfounded.  Sadness, depression, anger seem to swell building a tremendous pressure.  The more I fight, the mightier the struggle endures.

                                                                                    …and then…

                        …snap…

            Have I snapped?  All the signs are there.  The build up seems to fit the profile.  Why does it all seem so different?  Where is the catastrophe and the seismic wake that usually leaves my psyche in ruin?

             Within these last months, I have been the victim of borderline masochisms through workload and self imposed exile.  I buried myself over my own vision and desires.  I forgot all about the freedom of intention and set a course for a methodical plan with absolutely no room for adaptation.  I engineered in my mind a plan of attack, so meticulous that every step was essential.  With it, I added task after task, until I became so overwhelmed, the very thought of my work load left me paralyzed.

            As the pressure I built expanded beyond my ability to contain, I made a decision.  Within two simple words I found my salvation.  “Fuck It.”  I let go.  The frustration and manipulation is way to much for me.  There was no need to control any of this.  All it has done is bring avoidable discomfort.  I have no idea where I am going.  I have no idea how I am going to get there, but…Fuck It, its all good.

            It’s time to take a load off, and to enjoy the world that my feet tread upon.  This can be done while accomplishing a passion that may be greater than who I am.  I know my intention, and I also realize that it will take a will to see it through.  Who cares what it looks like.  I’m tired of holding that weight.  I’m letting it go.  As long as I do what I do, I will get to where I need to be.

            Through formation of my spiritual discipline, exercise, curiosity, and fun I am learning more about the ever changing complexity that is me.  Why be attached and add more stress then already exists by merely existing.  The tao, or the universal flow, move accordingly.  Why fight against the current.  I don’t see cowardice in surrender.  Sure, there may be a giant waterfall awaiting my demise.  For better or worse, through tragedy and triumph, I seek to enjoy what I flow through.  I give up. I give up not on a dream, but on the doctoral perception to control the entire scheme.