Just when I thought I was finally
setting into a groove on tour life, I seemed to be shaken from a momentary
lapse of comfort. It seems the
gravity of the journey, or maybe experiment that is RISE finds new ways of
breaking down egocentric walls of what I am. Being on this road, slowly traversing the diverse American
landscape, I find my own diversity reflected back to me. The dichotomy of beauty and
ugliness in scenery, culture and most of all…that which is in me are becoming
just as constant and compressed as my emotions. It is so sporadic that one cannot anticipate what each
day will bring on any given level in the mystery of life.
I wish I could articulate every
emotional nuance. GOD, I’m
desperate to articulate all of this, if but for a moment, to have another
understand, but alas, it seems futile.
I am saturated in an unfathomable amount of sensation. Every fiber of my being feels overtly
stimulated that I am raw…like skin scrapped, exposing the tender meat. Know that I am not sad or
depressed…I just feel as if all that I am is transparent. That’s not the right word…if not
transparent, then what?
Unraveling?
It seems that on every level of my
being; spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically…a collapse is
taking place…possibly on a molecular level. I would use crude terms like breakdown or freak out, and I
most certainly feel a fantastic fucking freak out approaching, but the
conviction falls short at my desire to express and be heard. I wonder, is this what it feels like to
die…or to be born? Though I have
experience birth, I have no memory of sensation. Of course I don’t mean this in any literal sense, how could
I with out a reference? Still, I
feel some archetypal abstract shift from within. I want to scream!
As if it would release some built up pressure like I was a teakettle.
In every Journey, whether it is a
full life or small adventure, one is not the same when they exit, as they are
when they enter. I know I am near
the exit door of this tour. There is no way to comprehend what any transformation
will look like on the other side. I
can only imagine this experience to be akin to the transformation of ones
consciousness when traveling through their mother’s birth canal; leaving one
world and entering another. The process
doesn’t end. It will continue, and
it is up to me to nurture the experience.
I don’t wish to distract myself
with thoughts of the many possible tomorrows. Instead, I remind myself to bask in the flame of
experiencing now. In this moment,
I am tired and I am most certainly breaking down. It’s nothing to fear, it is the most precious and genuine of
feelings. I embrace it. Everything
seems so different now as I shed my old skin. The other side will be upon me
soon enough, and I will do with it what ever inspires me in that moment. This journey has tested me in every way
imaginable. What I do with it will
set the course for the next phase of my life on this planet…in this
reality. I will command my ship as
it rides within the flow.
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