In Search of Honesty

Through The Birth Canal

Just when I thought I was finally setting into a groove on tour life, I seemed to be shaken from a momentary lapse of comfort.  It seems the gravity of the journey, or maybe experiment that is RISE finds new ways of breaking down egocentric walls of what I am.  Being on this road, slowly traversing the diverse American landscape, I find my own diversity reflected back to me.   The dichotomy of beauty and ugliness in scenery, culture and most of all…that which is in me are becoming just as constant and compressed as my emotions.   It is so sporadic that one cannot anticipate what each day will bring on any given level in the mystery of life.

I wish I could articulate every emotional nuance.  GOD, I’m desperate to articulate all of this, if but for a moment, to have another understand, but alas, it seems futile.  I am saturated in an unfathomable amount of sensation.  Every fiber of my being feels overtly stimulated that I am raw…like skin scrapped, exposing the tender meat.   Know that I am not sad or depressed…I just feel as if all that I am is transparent.  That’s not the right word…if not transparent, then what?  Unraveling?

It seems that on every level of my being; spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically…a collapse is taking place…possibly on a molecular level.  I would use crude terms like breakdown or freak out, and I most certainly feel a fantastic fucking freak out approaching, but the conviction falls short at my desire to express and be heard.  I wonder, is this what it feels like to die…or to be born?  Though I have experience birth, I have no memory of sensation.  Of course I don’t mean this in any literal sense, how could I with out a reference?  Still, I feel some archetypal abstract shift from within.  I want to scream!  As if it would release some built up pressure like I was a teakettle.

In every Journey, whether it is a full life or small adventure, one is not the same when they exit, as they are when they enter.  I know I am near the exit door of this tour.   There is no way to comprehend what any transformation will look like on the other side.  I can only imagine this experience to be akin to the transformation of ones consciousness when traveling through their mother’s birth canal; leaving one world and entering another.  The process doesn’t end.  It will continue, and it is up to me to nurture the experience.

I don’t wish to distract myself with thoughts of the many possible tomorrows.  Instead, I remind myself to bask in the flame of experiencing now.  In this moment, I am tired and I am most certainly breaking down.  It’s nothing to fear, it is the most precious and genuine of feelings. I embrace it.  Everything seems so different now as I shed my old skin. The other side will be upon me soon enough, and I will do with it what ever inspires me in that moment.  This journey has tested me in every way imaginable.  What I do with it will set the course for the next phase of my life on this planet…in this reality.  I will command my ship as it rides within the flow.

In the Blink of an Eye

The universe…scratch that, all of existence is a mighty and infinite holographic program.  It’s quit all right.  I have no idea what that means in any intellectual thought pattern.  I have given up on figuring it out.  I can only suggest that you do too.  Instead, I choose to dance with the mystery with an awesome open intention of good will.  Like many things, the process to blessedness is a rocky road.  What am I talking about?  What is this purpose of this new age stew I am vomiting out via binary medium?  Again, it isn’t an intellectual phenomenon.  The only way I can fathom to describe what it is I am failing miserably (as usual) to convey, is summed with one word:  LOVE.

As I am confused, swirling endlessly in the chaos, I am sure to frustrate you with my nonlinear gibberish.  If you are still sitting there reading this, thank you…and I am sorry.  Let me attempt to make sense of all of this.  A few weeks ago I posted a blog about my experience in Austin, TX.  I experienced first hand in a long time, the felt presence of the goddess.  I felt her in me, the land, the experience, and in a woman.  The encounter has permeated through out my very being since that time.  At this moment, I feel that my feet have once again landed on solid ground.  This isn’t to say there wasn’t a struggle in the process of landing.

I found myself spiritually and emotionally jammed.  There was no fluidity or balance within my mind, body, or soul.  Instead, I was congested with attachment of paradoxical outcomes.  On one side, I found a mesmerizing match for partnership in Jessica.  On the other side, I knew there was one dramatic difference that had no way of reconciliation. My mind fragmented by such polarized views, I desperately lurched for logic & reason.  Logic & reason…recently I have discovered that these concepts are just cultural ordinance.

Within my internal conflict, a new catalyst ascended upon me.  I met my mortality.  Entering Baton Rogue, LA I had no idea what terror of brutal honesty patiently awaited my arrival.  I was near the end of my riding day, and learning the true ignorance that drivers had for cyclists.  Entering dense traffic area where highways & Interstates intertwined, I was forced to maneuver amongst the steel behemoths of the road.  The flow of traffic on my side of the road was merging onto I-10.  Besides being frowned upon for cyclist to be on the interstate, it wasn’t heading anywhere near my destination of the day.

 

With no vehicles approaching behind me, and none making signals communicating their intention to do so, I made my way across the exiting lane to stay my course.  With no warning the first van cuts across my path, allowing less than an inch between writing this blog and setting Zak on a mission to finish this tour without me.  You always hear people talk about that moment when they face the idea of death in such a personal way.  They speak of a flash, and a magnificent montage of ones entire life playing back to them in a singular moment. 

As I moved at the hectic pace of life, time slowed down.  Every fiber of every muscle locked into a fixed position.  My mind, which is always flying at light speed with infinite thought, became void and empty.  The white flash struck me.  I felt as if I was outside of myself.  Every memory played itself out in an instant.  A hologram of visual of every experience surrounded me as if I was inside a globed theatre screen.  Within that flash, something within took control.  A deep rooted instinct that is instilled in all of us took the reigns and guided me as far as it could from harms way.  The distance to safety may have been centimeters, but it felt like travelling a vast ocean.

Before I could come back into a sense of calm, a truck cut me off.  Again, missing me by less than an inch, and the entire scenario repeated itself.  Finally making it to safe shoulder, I stopped to center myself.  This also means I checked the contents of my shorts.   After calming down, I decided my day of riding had come to an end.  My effort to truly contemplate my own mortality, now that I have a greater sense of context, had begun. 

In the last few weeks, I have often looked back at that moment in space-time where everything froze in place, and what I discovered has changed, and will continue to change as I do.  Life is a hologram that shows us possibilities.  It is a hologram that can both bend to our will or just bend us.  It is a relationship of give and take.  It is a mystery that reflects all that we are back to us.  It depends on our eyes and awareness to witness the possible that dance before us.  For too long have I locked myself out of the room where patience and acceptance dwell.  I desire to give myself to the process and abandon distraction so that I may ascend to my rightful bliss.  This is a practice…a daily practice…a momentary practice.  I don’t wish to waste anymore time debating my purpose or path.

A Message & a Challenge

The Message

The Challenge

To Hate or not to Hate

We are Paradox

          

            I am at the point in my journey where I am encountering some uncharted territory, uncharted in the realm of RISE.  Yet, another variable involved that I unfortunately didn’t prepare myself, is opening up to the world and unexpectedly receiving a negative reaction.  I have entered the word of the shark infested water that is a hater.   Within this new landscape, I have witnessed the reflection of my own ego and past starring back at me.  I’ll get back to that in a moment.  First things first…what is a hater?

            I think we all know what and who a hater is, but for the sake of arguments let me attempt my perspective…which is another way of saying…my opinion.  A Hater is someone who expresses a profound dislike for another’s opinion, worldview, and actions.  Can we agree upon this?  I sure hope so.  This explanation is a very straightforward, yet vague and objective definition.  Shall we dig deeper…ok. 

At the very core, a hater is someone who is so frightened and pathetically sad with in the life they are leading in this world.  They are crippled by that internal voice of self degradation unable to answer the call of their internal bliss.  How can one answer such a call when they are overcrowded with self doubt?  It is a concept that they resonate the word impossible with.  Frustrated and jealous, they viciously lash out at any who are a contradiction to their own failures as a person.  The longer a person remains in the perceptional world as a hater, they become more of a victim to their own inadequacies.  This depressive and morbid cycle is only strengthened as they continue to project such inadequacies onto the illusion of an external enemy.

I know what some of you may be thinking; such a harsh assessment of another human being.  Furth more, isn’t my description a precise example of said assessment.  I would answer that question with an obvious “YES”  I share such harsh tones not in an attempt to describe those that have been hating on RISE or myself.  I am using this braod definition in order to describe who I am.  Yes, I am a “hater”.  I have been one in the past, I fall into the pattern from time to time in my present, and I work to be free of that self victimization for my future.

At this moment in time, I feel a sense of clarity to make an attempt to describe my life as a hater.  For far to long, I bought into my own fear and insecurity and built a shrine to my life as a victim.  Through dedication and hard work, I refortified my shrine, by buying into the idea of an external enemy or reason for my own failures in this world.  The truth is, as the video above expressed, there are no external enemies.  There is only a projection of our own maladjusted suffering.  Thankfully, this pattern of behavior is not void of correction

            As human beings, we have infinite opportunities to evolve and transcend from such a one sided frame of mind.  We are paradox.  We live in light and darkness, as well as we live with frustration and contentment.  It does all come back to choice.  The only obstacle that stands between freedom and victimhood is our own perception.  It takes patience and compassion of self to be present within the vast world of our own thoughts.  Let us not forget that we choose which thoughts you nourish in building such a world view.  I invite all who read to walk the path of personal observation.  In the end…it is up to you to choose to hate, or choose to love.

A meeting with the goddess…in Austin?

The Meeting with the Goddess

The meeting with the goddess represents the point in the adventure when the person experiences a love that has the power and significance of the all-powerful, all encompassing, unconditional love that a fortunate infant may experience with his or her mother. It is also known as the "hieros gamos", or sacred marriage, the union of opposites, and may take place entirely within the person. In other words, the person begins to see him or herself in a non-dualistic way. This is a very important step in the process and is often represented by the person finding the other person that he or she loves most completely. Although Campbell symbolizes this step as a meeting with a goddess, unconditional love and /or self unification does not have to be represented by a woman.

            There comes a time within the quest & journey of every hero, when she/ he must encounter the goddess.  Why is this?  Cause Joseph Campbell says so.   I didn’t make the rules up, I’m just a witness damn it!  Just go with it.  As I travel on my journey that is RISE, I to have crossed path with the powerful feminine that is the Goddess.  For me, this encounter took place in Austin, TX.  I know…I wouldn't have expected it either, but the hero’s journey will drag you kicking and screaming through some wild shit.  It's best to just let go and flow.  Savvy?

            On this particular meeting, the goddess revealed herself in many forms.  One in particular was incarnated through a woman named Jessica.  Although she cannot remember the details, this was not the first time I had the pleasure of meeting this exquisite creature.  Our paths first crossed in Scottsdale, AZ 6 years earlier.  Only a hand shake, smile, & a simple greeting was exchanged, but it made enough of a mark to resonate all these years later.  Another connection was made, this time by a mutual teacher; a woman whom Jessica & I have worked with.

I contacted Jessica in November 2011 to chat with her about RISE, and after a serendipitous conversation took place, she put forth the invitation for Zak and I to stay with her when we passed through Austin.  Little did I know what was set into motion.  Ignorance is not always so blissful.  As time passed and the journey was underway, we continued connecting with small dose of communication, I could hear the shift taking place in this strangers life as if I was living it with her.  You would have to ask her if she was witness to any shift within me.

            As we arrived at her living space, I was overwhelmed with a fantastic wave of energy.  I liken the sensation to an anticipated wave that crashes over you as you stand waist deep in the ocean.  Anticipated…yes, but still powerful.  Jessica had already displayed a spectacular way of communication, and our short time together was no different.  I found it necessary to shed the awe inspiring force that saturated me within her presence.  To fail to do so would be to forfeit my power to her.  This would have robbed both of us from learning and sharing a genuine experience, and there was too much to learn in such short order.  I made the choice to ground myself so that we may both gain from our interactions.  Surprisingly, this was something I had to do every morning.

            The second night in town, Jessica presented an invitation to accompany her to a weekly ritual called ecstatic dance.  I agreed, but attended as a witness.  Holy Jumping Shiva did I witness.  It was a powerful moment for me while on this cross country trek.  There were close to 40 people engaged in a beautiful and archaic form of expression.  They danced…and danced…and danced.  As each individual performed different styles and released a dramatic display of living poetry that captured my attention from the time the first movement was set in motion.

            Within minutes, I was shattered with an incredible amount of stimulation.  I had to quickly devise a selective viewing meditation in order to not get lost in the cluster.   Within my space, my utter stillness…I danced.  To those with an untrained eye, would see me as separate, but through my particular dance…I was touched & touched back all who were in this shared space.  Deeper I fell into a trance like state; I was slammed with a vision with Jessica as the primary focal point.  The room was a mandala & all the occupants, the moving pattern.  At the center was Jessica.  A door revealed itself in the center.

            This doorway was an invitation…an invitation and revelation.  For far too long I have basked in the fantasy of the life in which I wanted to live.  I always knew where I wanted to be and how I wanted to do it, but I always made up the excuses.  In Arizona, my dear friend Ashley was my link into this world.  She loves art, music, nature, dance, & connecting.  It was our mutual respect & love for these activities that pulled us together.  In my mind, I was always the first person ready to go on an adventure with Ash, but I never did.  I always made the excuse to stay in my mind.  I was without action, and miserable for it.  For this I am truly sorry.

            As the week went on, I shared more experiences & insight with Jessica.  We created space for one another to bounce thoughts & feeling back and forth.  I am eternally grateful for the time given to us to walk the same road, if for only a moment.  Who I was before I entered Austin, is not the same person who will be leaving.  At this moment, so near to ground zero, to make an attempt to describe it all in words would be a disservice.  One thing is for certain: on this Journey, The Goddess was revealed in Austin, she revealed love through truth.

            To place the label of Goddess on Jessica, I feel is a heavy burden, and maybe just a bit unfair.  She is more than that.  However, the Goddess encompasses all:  woman & men, element & situation.  She is a perfect personification of love, love of others & of self.  Through my experience, I have found what I want in a companion.  I can only hope that I do not lose sight of that intention.  To exude love with a true companion, the two must be the best of friend, the truest confidant, and equal partners without judgment.  When this takes form, the door to the divine is open, and the possibilities are endless.


                                                                         RISE!

I looked into the eyes of a stranger and witnessed my own

My entire life has seemed as if I was missing an element that many of my close friends had in rich abundance.  For 34 years, I have known very little of the extended family that I share the same blood with.  As far back as I can remember, it has always been a small family of 6 of us, and that number has dwindled to four.  Of those four, I am the youngest by a few decades. 

As a small child I can remember infrequent visits to Kansas, the land of my kin. Unfortunately, those ended in the winter of second grade.  Since that distant past, my family has mirrored that of the desert we live in.  A vast array of wide open space that seems light years away from known civilization.  We were a small satellite that had drifted far beyond its original orbit, and had all but lost the ability to transmit relative communication.

I never had the ability to entirely understand how this bloodline isolation has affected me through out my personal narrative.  How could I have without a frame of reference?  While I must admit that I always carried a curiosity in the back of my mind, I had abandoned a quest to seek out where I come from.  Who needs to know?  I made the decision long ago, that I would rather put forth my energy to blaze a new trail, rather than look for what was once behind me.

Once again, the universal flow has a way of bringing old questions back to the foreground.  The vehicle that is RISE has once again been an avenue for my journey of self discovery.  This part of the story brings us to Norman, OK where I had the pleasure of meeting two 2^nd cousins for the first time.  While I only shared space with Mikie Kinkead Tresemer for the one evening, I stayed with Terri Kinkead Owens.  The first evening Zak & I met extended members of my bloodline & watched the OKC Thunder play the L.A. Lakers in NBA playoff.  The entire experience was surreal.  Coupled with wine and tour through contemporary family history, I was passed through a stage of traumatic internal realization.

For the first time in my life, I knew I was not alone.  Unveiled before me was new history that was rich and brought forth such so much truth in to who Browns really are.  I am constantly surprised by what blessings have been bestowed upon my path while of the voyage of RISE.  There was no was to predict the chorus of love that I had encountered in Norman.  One observation that grabbed my attention from the beginning was the obvious resemblance I saw of myself in both Mikie & Terri.  There are no words to express my infinite gratitude to see my eyes looking back at me.  I felt like I had come home.

Leaving Norman, I completely underestimated how the departure would make me feel.  It was certainly a mixed bag of emotions.  I wanted more time with my newfound family, but was overwhelmed with the utmost feeling of gratitude for the opportunity to be in their company.  We still keep in touch, and I am already making plans to see them on my return journey.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I will see you again…

                                                                                                            …but not yet.