My Dark Wilderness of Blinding Light

           

           The RISE journey is coming to an end.  Everyday we move closer to COSM: The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors.  As the scenery has changed, expectedly, so have I.  In the beginning, I was so amped.  Filled with adrenaline, excitement, and the wonder of the infinite possibility that awaited me.  Each new day I reveled at the American landscape, and I have marveled at its amazing diversity.  As the countryside changed, so did the season as did the culture.  It has been a blessing to be a witness to this land I have known as home.  As everything has been in a constant state of metamorphosis that I am now accustomed too, I have become aware of the most important change:  The revolution within.

            Allowing the constant change of the outer world to become the norm, I am no longer as distracted by it as I have been for so many months.  This has allowed the appropriate space in my mind to take the leap inward.  For the past three or four weeks, I have finally reached the point of welcoming the silence.  It is still quit unsettling, and takes time to relax into.  It also brings a new layer to the tour itself.  I have kept to myself as much as I possibly can.  Sure, I fall into old habits and continue to distract myself.  Scanning the Internet, looking for people to talk to on the Facenet, or watching old episodes of LOST.  As time begins to move on, I am taking the time to go for walks.  During most of these walks, I have also refrained form listening to my ipod.  Just take a stroll and allow myself to integrate the ambiance of what ever may be in the environment.

            This has allowed me to have more conversations with myself.  Asking those tough question and peal away those layers that hide my many paradoxical truths.  Its not always the most fun or entertaining exercise.  Truth be told, it can be down right frightening.  The more I peal away, the more questions I ask, I begin to realize a simple truth…there are no definitive answers.  There is only the feeling of flow.  I know you’d like to have a more thorough explanation.  I don’t have one.  How does one explain an abstract?  There seems to be no sufficient language for feelings, only a feeble attempt for understanding.   If you need a better description, I would ask you to think of gravity, or to watch a flowing river.  Sit in silence and just observe it as it is:  the water, the rocks within and on the banks, and the life that dwells with the flow.  Watch every aspect and how it all interacts.

            As humans in an industrialized world, we have become so hardwired for stimulation.  We are constantly searching for gratification of the pleasure centers in our brains, that we have become distracted.  Maybe it’s just me, and it is my issue alone, but it’s as if we have lost the connection of self and the divinity of the living moment.  The journey inward takes time, attention, and courage to let go of attachment.   The path can be a dark, cold, and murky wilderness, but there is a silver lining.  The light is just above the dense canopy.  It splinters between each massive tree and thick brush to show the way.  The way isn’t a universal map.  It is dramatically different for each and every one of us, but its there nonetheless.

It has taken five to six months to transition into this new method on this journey, and as the tour winds down, soon I will have more time for solitude and self reflection.  This is a process that I do not intend to rush.  My journey home is still one that is in constant motion, and I am not married to anyone way on how to go about it.  I am willing to take what comes at me, what ever that is.  While I have many ideas, I am allowing myself to be without schedule and up for what ever change the flow decides for me.  All I can do is initiate the navigational coordinates of my intention, and through the power of will, I will be taken where I need to be. 

Worlds Collide

As long as I can remember, I have been accused of over thinking.  All too often I allow the supposed rational logical perception of my mind to over analyze a situation or subject to no end.  My simple human mind desperately fights for understanding.  We all do it, I happen to be one of those individuals that have found myself in a self deprecating habit, when I dig to far down the rabbit hole, I make myself sick.  Sure, an analytical mind is needed for problem solving and innovation, but when emotions are swept up into the equation, it becomes volatile recipe.

I usually find myself in this self inflicted agony when thrusting into the maze of mind while contemplating the matters of my heart.  I seem to have found myself near the edge of the very tempest of said confusion.  Why haven’t I fallen in, to be emotionally swept away into the madness?  History.  At long last I feel I may be learning something from my past.  Time will tell, but at this moment in time I still have my feet firmly planted beneath me.

What is the meaning for all this confusion?  What clutter of thoughts has my mind all jammed up?  Not to sound cliché or simply submit to some age old archetype, but when a heterosexual male usually finds himself twisted and contorted mental or emotionally, its usually a safe bet that a woman isn’t far behind.   It’s not what you think.  Having ones mind congested isn’t always a bad thing.  In fact, the answer I would be searching for has already revealed itself to me, and continues to do so.  I’ll get back to that in a moment.  I sense you would like finer detail.  You want the meat and potatoes.  I get it…no one likes to be jerked around.

What is the source for all my confusion…well, it’s me.  The inspiration for the source is a woman who I am quit fond of.   Her name is Jessica, the woman who took us in for almost a week while we stayed in Austin, TX.  As I have mentioned before(in an earlier blog), I met her briefly six years earlier.  I was extremely intrigued, but was dating another woman.  The depth of my intrigue was so great, I knew I would surely brew up trouble if I followed my curiosity, so I never perused even in friendship. 

Time turns, and as it does, it tend to bring up things from the past.  For whatever reason, this time around there was no excuse to disengage.  Upon my arrival to her home, my intrigue once again was in abundance.  She was easy to talk to and talk we did.  We resonate on many levels in the human experience.  Love, artistic self expression, passion for the world and it’s inhabitants, and with a gentleness and compassion that leaves space and desire to understand that which is foreign to us.

You might be asking yourself, “what’s the problem?’  Well, despite our many similarities, there is one dramatic rift.  A divide that is much too wide to reconcile, while we both stand at opposite ends of the spectrum.  The issue:  I am into monogamous paring, while Jessica is very much into Polyamory.   Still wondering why I am confused?  Yeah…so am I.  Its not really confusion as it is acceptance…or lack there of.  We are both very fond of one another, but there is no way for it to work.  In the end, the differences of our needs are far to vast.  Though I must admit, I did delve into the idea of a polyamory lifestyle.  My conclusion?  Well…it’s just not me.  Not at this moment in time.

  Sure, I’ve had my share of conditioning in this life.  Being monogamous wasn’t an issue my initial programming.  Need more…this isn’t the venue for painstaking detail, so I’ll keep it simple.   Polyamory doesn’t compute in my operating system.  First, I have my own strange idea about vulnerability.  I don’t see myself capable of being %100 vulnerable with another human being if I have plan B, C, D, & E waiting in the wing.  Second, who has the time…those who do…fantastic, but I don’t.  I’m a busy man out on a crusade…ok, not that busy.  You get the point.

Alas, the obviousness of the truth is so loud it is defining.  It had been there all along, only I chose to ignore it.  It’s what happens when you let those chemicals flow in the brain and run boldly into the oasis of emotions.  The honest truth:  There is no Jessica & Thomas romantic partnership.  Friends…yes, but not lovers…not anymore.  For me, Jessica was a part of the RISE tour, a very special aspect.  I will cherish my experience, and what I learned in the time that we had.  In this moment, that’s all there is left to do.  

A New New Year

With the bike ride just around the corner, I felt it fitting to do something different for new years.  Instead of my usual, being with a loved one and participating in the consumption of tasty fermented beverages, I thought the time would best be spent in reflection.  Reflection of the past year, and the path that lay ahead…this was a time that was very much needed.  With an early night to bed, I was up by 3:30am.  After a small breakfast and coffee, I headed out solo style to one of my favorite places in Arizona:  Bell Rock, Sedona!

I jammed out to “Puscifer” and “Of Monsters and Men” while enjoying the vast darkness that was sprinkled with starlight from above.  I arrived at the Bell Rock Park around 6:30am.  A subtle glow was interrupting the black night sky from the east.  The world was still turning.  This was a very good sign.  Now I’m not gonna lie…it was creepy as hell out there in the vacant wilderness at predawn…beautiful, but creepy.  

I made my way carefully through the darkness…despite my surrounding conjuring memories of the “Evil Dead” franchise.  I made my way to the mound I desired to scale.  This is actually an amazing and impressive undertaking.  Sure I frequent Bell Rock at least once a month, but the area in question, I hadn’t been to in 12 years…and I was experiencing boundary disillusion at the time.   Once to the top, (which isn’t impressively high at all) it hit me.  Sitting there alone in the wilderness with Bell Rock just to the south, the gravity of what the future held slapped me repeatedly.   It seems daunting, but really in the scope of the fantastic EVERYTHING, it is just as insignificant as it is significant.

There in the valley, I witnessed how small I am…how small we all are.  This feeling was magnified as the beam of light reached out and kissed the valley floor.  With sage burning I asked for blessings.  I asked for it from the earth under me, the sky above me, the 4 directions that surround me, and the year ahead of me for safe passage.  I asked knowing that trouble & hardship will be entwined with ecstasy & jubilation. As I asked, I promised to respect every lesson placed before my path. 

I am not the wisest of men.  In my time I have made great mistakes.  I have hurt those I have professed my love for, as well as place monumental judgment on those who I did not know, or disagreed with.  With great pretentiousness, I proclaimed a life style that should be lived while I lived no such way.  When surrounded by others I have pontificated philosophies based on the words written by other women and men.  I am man wrought with imperfections that at times have been amplified by my impulsive irrationalism.   All one can do is forgive…forgiveness of oneself and for those who now lay in the wake of the past’s tenures. 

            The sun had risen and the prayer had come to its natural end.  It was now time to enjoy the wonderful playground that has been loaned to me.  Before I left the Bell Rock area, I had to do what I always do.  Head as high as I am comfortable with and witness all the land that is called Sedona!  About a quarter of the way up Bell, I had the pleasure of meeting Nyto, a 23 year old from Tokyo, Japan.  Speaking broken English I comprehended his desire to reach the top.  After a few attempts of my standard communication, I just motioned for my new friend to follow me.  He must have understood, cause he stayed on my heals.  Together we reached my favorite spot.  We burned some sage, shared some clementine’s, and snapped some photos while engaging in our learned form of communication.

The "I don't know what to do, so I will give a Peace Sign pose."

               

Welcome to The Red Rocks

         

              We made it safely down the mountain and parted ways at the parking lot.  From there,  I once again ventured solo visiting Cathedral Rock and treating myself to a fine meal in Jerome, AZ at the The Mile High.   I can honestly say that it was a great way to spend the birth of a New Year, and it was definitely one of the best ones I have had in a long time.  I can’t sit here and attempt to pretend that I had a great lesson to preach to you…the viewer.  I had my experience, and for me it was opening and filled with grace.  Now turn off your computer…and go have your own experience.

Get Rich or Die Mayan

I was originally going to title this little ditty, “Prophecy, Season, & Crotch hair:  The Fundamentals of Maya”.  It’s a good thing I didn’t; It’s obvious there is already to much confusion on this fine subject.  We all have Paul Germinaro to thank for the title change.  He is with out a doubt the ugliest muse I have ever had, but by god an efficient one.   Next time any of you folks are lucky enough to see this handsome man, give him a pat on the back. Yes...I am aware of the contradiction in those last two sentences.  

2012 is upon us, and my GOD there is sooooo much Hoopla surrounding it.  I know…I know.   There may be some of you out there shaking your head at the screen, giving my name grief.  I admit…I am a fan of the whole 2012 mythos, and I do speak about it much more than I probably should.  There are some things you just don’t talk about in front of the squares.  The entire subject seems to have been blown out of proportion though.  The villain in question in this scenario isn’t the Maya.  Sadly, its average dysfunctional American who loves watching shit blow up.  Mix that with a ridiculously lame movie, and you’ve got a fine tonic for depraved chest thumping behavior.

So, I saw the John Cusack film 3 times.  I know…I said it was trash, but the effects were outlandishly fiendish and I’m an American.  American’s have a long history of dignified atrocities; we invented manifest destiny, atomic weaponry, high cholesterol, and American Idol…we know how to fuck shit up.  As for Cusack, come on bro!  I use to be such a fan.  First, 2012: the inexcusable tragedy in question. Now you’re the opiate-head Poe solving a murder mystery.  Poe is the Godfather of Emo…you be slippin son.  Wait…now that I think of it, seems like a fitting evolution.

DIDN’T YOU KNOW?  KICK BOXING IS THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE!

Ummmm…Sorry bout that.

Before we begin, lets acknowledge just a few of the counter arguments to the theorized Mayan Prophecy of end times.  Could it be that the Maya were just eccentric heathens with panache for human sacrifice and intricate stone tablet carving?  Sure, can’t you imagine the calories burned with those activities?  Is it possible that they simply ran out of time and/or resources when conducting their long-term calendar?  Why those trickster tribes men. 

In my understanding, which I admit, is nothing to boast about; the commercialized idea about the Mayan’s calendar seems a bit maladjusted.  Again, it’s that good ol’ American fascination with sensationalism.  If you’re looking for a protagonist or creator of the sensationalist mentality and end time hysteria, there are plenty of old time religions with a greater following to pin the blame on.   To give the Mayan a bit of credit I suggest foraging through the theories that equate the “Long-Term Mayan Calendar with cycles.   These theories have a bit more of a firm root in rational non-sensational thinking.

All one needs to do, is just pay the slightest bit of attention to life, both on this planet, and what is known about it elsewhere.  I know…the official extraterrestrial story hasn’t been disclosed.  You’re just gonna have to focus on life span of stars when think about life off world.  Everywhere you examine life, the concept of cycles are connected to it.  Just to name a few:  days, seasons, plants, animals, humans, menstrual, lunar, solar, etc. etc etc.  You smoking what I’m loading yet?   Is it possible that a civilization that is known for being mathematically inclined to have grasped a greater cycle that their long-term calendar represents?  This knowledge could have been passed down from pre-Mayan culture. 

Now I am no Mayan scholar…I just play one on Facebook & Twitter, but the accepted mainstream theory should widen to include alternative possibilities rather then mere destruction.   The thing about cycles is that it is a process.  Let’s say the Mayan are right.  You think you’re gonna wake up on the morning of the winter solstice of 2012 to alien invasion and zombie apocalypse?  Sounds like good times to me, but…GET REAL!!!  It’s a process and it happens over time.  You don’t plant a seed one day only to find a huge tree the very next?  You didn’t wake up one morning in your early preteens to a massive main of pubic hair?  Well maybe some of you had issues with that second thought.  Don’t ask, I have no idea where these thoughts spew.

The longer the cycle is the higher the difficulties in observing the fundamental occurrences, which define the attributes of a cycle.  If there is anything to the prophecy, we are living it now, and have been living it our entire lives.  People like to pile on a ton of criticism on ancient cultural prophecy and label them as primitive and hokey.  Let us not forget that the majority of our mainstreams faiths have enough exciting end time content to give Michael Bay his next summer blockbuster.  The Transformers wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell at the box office.

As I said in the beginning of this rant, I love the Mayan mythos…I love the possibility of 2012…and it has nothing to do with cataclysmic devastation.  For me it is about mysterious possibility, and a positive one for that matter.  There is one thing about prophecy…its always-in motion.  We live it and breath it constantly.  I don’t even care whether or not you believe in religion, spirituality, or new age perspectives.  We all have a worldview model that we attach ourselves to, and every model has a beginning, middle, and end in its archetypal structure.  By living out your chosen paradigm, you are enacting your prophecy.  As long as we are all doing this…lets make it worthwhile for every living creature that roams free…

                                                                                   

…yes, that includes bacteria.

XOXO