The Last several months have been a
constant morphic playground. My
perception of reality and how I walk through it is constantly fluctuating. I’ve had a hard time grounding
myself. Its as if I have been
spinning…out of control and with no barring of the horizon point. Over come by fear and desperate for
equilibrium, I lose more of a sense of a center. My muscles tense up as I flail, pathetically gripping for
control.
What
the hell am I doing here? Where am I suppose go now and how in the hell do I
get there? They are just a few of
the many questions that invade my piece of mind. A shift has been rising within me, with emotions that were
so intense I’ve had no choice but to unravel. Everything is crumbling around me, or so my ego perceives. The
desperation leaves me with a bitterness that is unfounded. Sadness, depression, anger seem to
swell building a tremendous pressure.
The more I fight, the mightier the struggle endures.
…and
then…
…snap…
Have
I snapped? All the signs are
there. The build up seems to fit
the profile. Why does it all seem
so different? Where is the
catastrophe and the seismic wake that usually leaves my psyche in ruin?
Within
these last months, I have been the victim of borderline masochisms through
workload and self imposed exile. I
buried myself over my own vision and desires. I forgot all about the freedom of intention and set a course
for a methodical plan with absolutely no room for adaptation. I engineered in my mind a plan of
attack, so meticulous that every step was essential. With it, I added task after task, until I became so
overwhelmed, the very thought of my work load left me paralyzed.
As
the pressure I built expanded beyond my ability to contain, I made a
decision. Within two simple words
I found my salvation. “Fuck
It.” I let go. The frustration and manipulation is way
to much for me. There was no need
to control any of this. All it has
done is bring avoidable discomfort.
I have no idea where I am going.
I have no idea how I am going to get there, but…Fuck It, its all good.
It’s
time to take a load off, and to enjoy the world that my feet tread upon. This can be done while accomplishing a
passion that may be greater than who I am. I know my intention, and I also realize that it will take a
will to see it through. Who cares
what it looks like. I’m tired of
holding that weight. I’m letting
it go. As long as I do what I do,
I will get to where I need to be.
Through
formation of my spiritual discipline, exercise, curiosity, and fun I am
learning more about the ever changing complexity that is me. Why be attached and add more stress
then already exists by merely existing.
The tao, or the universal flow, move accordingly. Why fight against the current. I don’t see cowardice in
surrender. Sure, there may be a
giant waterfall awaiting my demise.
For better or worse, through tragedy and triumph, I seek to enjoy what I
flow through. I give up. I give up
not on a dream, but on the doctoral perception to control the entire
scheme.
