The Mighty Fierce is LIFE

I have something I need to get off my chest.  There is this unquenchable desire to convey these feelings.  What ever you do, don’t be alarmed.  If you try to absorb the words as they are, I’ll do my best to express what it is I am feeling in a coherent matter.   I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety and fear.  Fear for what?  The fear of following a dream; not just any dream…my dream.  I am in awe at the depth of surrealism one can constantly travel.  Each new experience provides the opportunity to dig deeper into the great and magical of void of the mystery.

I feel for the first time in my life, that I am beginning to live.  Its difficult and strenuous, but at this point, I have already been overwhelmed by the rewards, love, and support.  It is interesting how an individuals passion, when followed through becomes more than the individual.  It becomes community.  There are no true words, nor deeds that could show my true gratitude for such an amazing collective.  Those I know, those that I will meet, and those that I will bump into on this journey.  Well, I guess the one way to reciprocate is to continue.

I am freaking out, and it is amazing, profound, and necessary.    Not only is it necessary for me, but for the journey.  The amount energy I feel could be akin to a nuclear reactor…maybe.  It is a rhythm that is oscillating and resonating higher, louder, and richer with each passing moment.  Will this feeling subside?  Will it transform?  Yes.  This is my new life, and I intend to at least learn how to pay attention to it.  The RISE experiment hasn’t even begun, and yet I feel such change.

I am fully aware, that I have not comprehension as to what I am about to do, experience, and find while out there in the great wide open.  The road, the culture, and weather are all great characters of the narrative that is RISE.  My relationship with the three will grow like any interpersonal relationship that I share.   It will certainly ebb and flow leaving my saturated in feelings of both joy and despair.   The journey with Zac will be both tightening and straining as be travel through the wilderness.  It will remain on our shoulders to be true to one another as well as to ourselves.

The great paradox of both dichotomy and communion will reveal itself as we travel as we move from great metropolis to the country and back again.  As time goes on, I anticipate that the very thing that makes them different will be that which binds them together.   Already, as I walk through the city of San Francisco, I am witness to the very laws that govern the most relentless aspects of nature.

I stand upon a nexus.  On one side, I see the man who has traveled the path that lead me to San Francisco in 2012.  On the other, I see a person who is now constantly morphing through the abstract realm of infinite possibility.  The three of us now stand together.  I hope my heart and intention remain true.  You the reader will be witness to what I will become.  I am sure I will be as I am now…many things to many people.

To those who I have experience…thank you for walking with me.  Whether it was a singular moment, weeks, years, or lifetime from the bottom of my heart…Thank You.   For those that await our intersection, many blessings and we will see each other soon.

The Big Shift

I feel a crazed quickening has possessed me: bedazzled by my own madness, as this rare feeling engulfs me.  I have fallen in or been lifted up into this overwhelming calmness that has set my flesh ablaze. In every moment and every breath I am embraced by a beautiful and terrifying exuberance.  As if I am caught in a ravenous entanglement of blissful rapture with my souls one true counterpart.  I feel brand new as If I am walking the last mile to my inevitable death, knowing that it is not the end…but the true beginning. 

This is so new, but frustratingly familiar.  Have I been here before?  Is this a resonance of how I felt before, when I left home and walked with Cross-Walk America?  I want to say yes, but I know that would be a lie.  Still, this is so familiar.  Is it that I almost reached this point, only to let it slip away by falling back into the banal manufactured way of life that was ordered to me?  How can I ignore this?  How do I return to a way of life I feel I am breaking away from?  Its all just a state of mind…a state of being.

Everywhere I go, I feel the obviousness of connectivity.  With the people I see I want to release an explosive showering love onto them.  In every set of eyes, I see truth, and hope they feel it as well.  I am in love with every soul, rhythm, and flow.  I have been enchanted and transfixed on the stasis of this moment.  I sometimes fear that I will lose this, knowing that my orchestrated anxiety is what will rob me.   Desperately I want to share this with others, knowing that my words are much to feeble and would serve only to muddle what I wish to convey.

I think I know how to hold this.  It seems much too simple of an activity to have much merit, but it seems to be my right way.  I can’t share this feeling within some mechanical theoretical rhetoric.  These abstracts, which by most part are passed off as fluff, seem to be evolving…and evolving at an ever-rapid pace.  At least this seems to be the case for me.  It is as if through out my entire life I have been unaware of this phenomenon or the abstract have been wrapped within a gestation period slowly growing into something much more.

I am terribly sorry if my sad simplistic way of communication is crippling my point and only confusing and nonsensical.   The contradiction of admitting that it can’t be explained while still making the brutal attempt is not far from my mind.  My purpose is to act as a pseudo explorer and report on my finding.  The main premise of that report is this, “THERE IS ANOTHER WORLD OUT THERE!”  It exists jus below & above the horizon point of your own perception.  Every treasure that you sought to acquirer to ensure the fulfillment of joy in life has been with you in every moment of your voyage.  You are the vessel that can carry you to the new world.

Pay no mind to both the internal & external voices of judgment.  There is no one person that has the intellectual or spiritual real-estate of concrete truth to dispute what I am saying.  The life we live, and how we live has been taught to us through repetitious self-proclaimed rationalism that has built a worldview on the emptiness of opinion.   There is no reason why we should allow this to brand of model building to continue.  Furthermore, it is the individual who is responsible for their change.  You do not need another consent or validation to experience the world & life the way in which your true self needs.  To do so is lazy and a determent of self.  I know very well, that what I proclaim is difficult and daunting to many.  It still is for me. Through compassion, creativity, and eagerness for adventure; there is no limit of the places you and the experiences you will have.

Chapter’s End

Saturday, February 11^th was my last day as a City of Scottsdale Parks & Recreation Leader II.  For those of you who don’t know what that means…in a nut shell I was a servant to young and old within the community of Scottsdale, Arizona.  A willing servant, just to be to be abundantly clear.  I have worked for the COS for over 14 years.  Looking back on it know, it does more than blow my mind.  I have to admit, I wasn’t your standard recreation leader.  If you really know me, you know that I am not the model of excellence or example…at least not for the hollow plasticity that is advertised by status quo of mainstream acceptance.  Whatever the hell that means.

I’d like to believe that I did everything I could to stay genuine for the sake of the relationships that I built with kids, parents and other patrons of the public.

It would be nice to say that I was methodical and concise in the rhythm to my madness, but truth be told, its difficult for a person like me to exist in an atmosphere of an institution like a city government.  I’m not one to be weary of taboo; in fact, you could say that I am an advocate, if not an out right instigator.  What can I say…it must be my karma.

 I wish I could say that I did my absolute best.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the moxie to deliver such a deep and bold face lie.  I know that I could have done better.  The upside is to this sobering reality is that I know that I could have done better, and I intend to learn from my mistake.   I take with me an infinite pool of un-jaded knowledge from thousands of youth.    I have been blessed to have the privilege to learn from so many young folks.  From first grade to seniors in high school, all whom have been my greatest teachers.  I learned so much about my lack of patience, and how to change that.

My time spent wasn’t just working with the youth of the city; I also had the chance to learn from our community’s elders and middle aged professionals.  I will always appreciate the stories you shared and the encouragement to do what I needed from this world.  Your words will be with me as I travel across this country.  To all of you…young to old, know that I am here becomes of the time spent.  Community patrons, coworkers, and bosses, thank you.  For all of my complaints, and egocentric hissy fits…I appreciate your ability to deal with them.

Know that I carry you all with me within my heart, mind, and soul.  I will never let go the memories of the time we shared & the lesson’s learned.  With all my heart…thank you

The Precipice

Take the time and listen to this conversation.  There are some fantastic, yet simple concepts.  We are the ones we ar waiting for.

Faulty Heart

I always fancied myself a romantic.  Its funny how good we all are at creating falsified pictures of whom and what we are in our heads.  Reality is often sobering.  The truth is…I suck in the romance department.  My befuddling behavior could be comical if it wasn’t so damn depressing.  Don’t get the wrong idea; this is in no way a pity party.  I don’t want your sympathy…I’m just being honest.

I don’t know what is worst…being inept in the love department or being blind to my own ineptitude.   Yes, this apparent constant phenomenon in my life has just become aware to me.  Sad…but the path to true evolution is beset by a road of potholes.  I’m not saying I’m on any path to enlightenment.  I’d like to think I am, but…never mind.  My awkward and saddening inability to function properly over an extensive period of time with a partner is beginning to evolve into a paradox.

As I said, I considered myself a romantic.  In hindsight, I guess I just want to be.  I have recently taken a seat at the back of my mind and have tried to get a grip on what is actually going on in my head, particularly when it comes to my heart.  What I have discovered thus far is my relentless pursuit to find happiness in another.  Now, before I go off on a rant, my decision to be relationshipless wasn’t due to some enlightenment…it was nurtured by my own jaded perspective: Paradox #1.

So what began, due to the disappointment of ego, has seemingly shifted to opportunity to examine self.  Something sweet is beginning to sprout from the unpleasant soar of broken hearts.  I have noticed a change within me.  It seems like part of my sentimental side has shut down.  Now this is only an assumption.  I have to admit, now that I am hyper focused on these matters, I am feeling things in ways that I never have before.  This alien feeling could be due to a broken heat…whatever that really means.  It could be anticipation for the ride, acceptance of how I function emotionally, or that I just haven’t met anyone that churns my yolk.   It could be none or all.  I am not sure at the present time.

An issue that is being raised in my mind concerns the bike ride.  I am setting out on a journey with a desire to be emotionally naked and vulnerable.  To be honest, true, and as real as I possibly can, but as forthcoming as I can be, I feel just and seemingly impenetrable fortitude growing around my heart:  Paradox #2.  I wonder if this paradox in question is a cause for concern.  Does it paint me as disingenuous…a charlatan…a fake?   As usual, this all could just be the circumstances of an individual with a long history of over analyzing situations.  Still, it does conjure that which is most curious from me.

DOW: Waking Life

Ok, I am breaking some rules for this weeks documentary of the week.  I am suggesting "Waking Life" this week for its provocative nature and thought provoking narrative.  As usual, its now up to you to make the choice.

The Memory of You is Much too loud

I have come to accept that you will always be there.  In every activity, contemplation, situation, and experience you are always close to my narrative.  I used to believe that I needed to push you out.  I used meditation, cycling, work, booze, sexual gratification, & a plethora of other suitable replacements, but still you persist.  Always there in the corner of memory, your resonance acts as an anchor to that which I have already experienced.

I felt the unnerving need to push you away.  It didn’t matter that you were already gone in form, but your substance was still apparent, and I desired to be free of it.  The foolishness slightly over shadows the shortsightedness of this simple minded thought.  The last few months, I made it a point to give more credence to meditation through practice.  In the beginning, I childishly made this attempte to eradicate all thought of you from my mental lexicon.  Over time I came to terms with the silliness of this attempt while learning the value of meditation.

It feels that I have made progress in the strenuous art.  You would be surprised how time consuming and uncomfortable self examination can be.  Yet, over time one discovers the infinite benefits from said practice.   After much time the benefits materialized, even as the memories became much too loud to avoid.  Truth seemed to fall out of the sky and drop into my lap.  There was never getting over you, not in some mislead idealistic sense of disconnecting thought from reality.

The memory of you is much too loud, and I say…so be it.  Let the resonance of your experience scream loud and long.  I should not shy from such thoughts.  You are a part of the creative force which I collaborated with when designing who I am.  I cannot out run you, forget about you, ignore you; because I experienced you, you will always be with me.  I no longer see anything wrong with this.  Despite how much malice, frustration, and regret I contributed to my time with you; which was no more than an emotional reactionary impulse, I see the necessity of the time shared.

I see the blessing in the commotion we created.  At times we were volatile.  At times we were blissful.  Whether pleasure or pain, all that remains, is that I am ever forever changed because of you.  Thank you my dearest for the catalyst you embody.  You are part of the transcendental bridge that has brought me to this place…the ever evolving NOW. 

DOW: AMERICAN/ The Bill Hicks Story

In my mind, Bill Hicks is one of the most brilliant and relevant comedians in recent history.  As always, Ill let you decide for yourself.