Faulty Heart

I always fancied myself a romantic.  Its funny how good we all are at creating falsified pictures of whom and what we are in our heads.  Reality is often sobering.  The truth is…I suck in the romance department.  My befuddling behavior could be comical if it wasn’t so damn depressing.  Don’t get the wrong idea; this is in no way a pity party.  I don’t want your sympathy…I’m just being honest.

I don’t know what is worst…being inept in the love department or being blind to my own ineptitude.   Yes, this apparent constant phenomenon in my life has just become aware to me.  Sad…but the path to true evolution is beset by a road of potholes.  I’m not saying I’m on any path to enlightenment.  I’d like to think I am, but…never mind.  My awkward and saddening inability to function properly over an extensive period of time with a partner is beginning to evolve into a paradox.

As I said, I considered myself a romantic.  In hindsight, I guess I just want to be.  I have recently taken a seat at the back of my mind and have tried to get a grip on what is actually going on in my head, particularly when it comes to my heart.  What I have discovered thus far is my relentless pursuit to find happiness in another.  Now, before I go off on a rant, my decision to be relationshipless wasn’t due to some enlightenment…it was nurtured by my own jaded perspective: Paradox #1.

So what began, due to the disappointment of ego, has seemingly shifted to opportunity to examine self.  Something sweet is beginning to sprout from the unpleasant soar of broken hearts.  I have noticed a change within me.  It seems like part of my sentimental side has shut down.  Now this is only an assumption.  I have to admit, now that I am hyper focused on these matters, I am feeling things in ways that I never have before.  This alien feeling could be due to a broken heat…whatever that really means.  It could be anticipation for the ride, acceptance of how I function emotionally, or that I just haven’t met anyone that churns my yolk.   It could be none or all.  I am not sure at the present time.

An issue that is being raised in my mind concerns the bike ride.  I am setting out on a journey with a desire to be emotionally naked and vulnerable.  To be honest, true, and as real as I possibly can, but as forthcoming as I can be, I feel just and seemingly impenetrable fortitude growing around my heart:  Paradox #2.  I wonder if this paradox in question is a cause for concern.  Does it paint me as disingenuous…a charlatan…a fake?   As usual, this all could just be the circumstances of an individual with a long history of over analyzing situations.  Still, it does conjure that which is most curious from me.