A Stadium of Annoyance Between My Ears

I have made a small discovery in the last few months while undergoing my rigid meditative practice.  Well, it isn’t that rigid.  I’m no shaman or monk.  Time after time my thoughts go to some interesting places in my mind.  It wanders its way back to memories of those I no longer interact with. 

Some more than others…some much much more than others. 

Also, and somewhat disconcerting, I realize how much of a judgmental prick I can be.  Let me clarify this…I can be a MONUMENTALY SAVAGE JUDGMENTAL PRICK…I’m sorry?  It is nothing more than the occupational hazard of one who spends his time observing the human condition. Excuses…excuses.

These two observations of self-awareness have only strengthened my decision to take a break from my time in fellowship with others.  This has allowed me to do much-needed self-reflection.  The more I take the time to check in, the more I begin to recognize where it is those squirrely thoughts of mine drift.   Memories of those in my past and judgment of outside forces are my primary influences of self imposed distractions. 

I can only speak for myself, but static in the mind seems to be the acceptable normality.  We live in a paradigm of distractive discord… a paradigm where our head is assaulted at all times.  I could blame an outside source, but truth be told, our own head is a carnivorous cannibal that eats at its own concentration.  Did that even make sense?  Suppose it did.  Name a time in the day when you aren’t over run by thoughts that consist of yesterdays, tomorrows, or the jerk off standing next to you.  How often do those thoughts impede on the focus of what you are actually doing?  As you can see, in these last few blogs a pattern is emerging.  Can you see it?

I keep coming back to this notion or meditation of the ever evolving now.  It is a concept that demands discipline and compassion of ones self.  For it is those moments when I recognize how far I have drifted from the “moment” that I not only snap back to it, but I notice how easy it is to get lost.  This simple truth reminds me of the compassion I need for others, as well as for myself.  To drift and judge is a normal occurrence.  We don’t know another form of thinking, nor were we taught.  That is why self-awareness is so important.  I have to ask myself why I judge him or why I think of her.  You may never peel enough of the onion to find the concrete truth, abandoning the excavation isn’t an option.  At least it isn’t for me.

The fluidity of thought is beautiful and unfortunately underestimated all to often.  It’s easy to fall victim to thought pattern.   That’s the bitch of it.  Thought is just as common as breath, and it is those common elements that are so easy to glaze over and forget.  Taking the time that I have has been beneficial, but I am no expert.  I am more of a child in this game.  Only time spent in self conscious meditation will help me to grow…will help us all to grow.